Dating and discernment challenges

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Girl, he told you he was not ready for a serious relationship. And instead of believing him, you thought he just hasn't met a woman like me. He doesn't know what he wants. I can wait him out. Ask me how I know. I waited and waited and waited some more. I spent time, money, and a good portion of my sanity trying to become the exception to a decision that that man had already made. I thought if I were sweeter, more patient, less demanding, and just a little bit more unforgettable, he would eventually realize that I was the woman he wanted. Fam, I was not discerning the man standing in front of me. I was dating the version of him I had created in my head. And if you have ever turned I'm not ready into he'll be ready once he sees how wonderful I am. You need to hear this. Discernment is not just asking the right questions, it is refusing to rewrite the answers. Today we're gonna talk about what he said, what he did, and what you added. Because, baby, that last column might be telling the whole story. Around here, we are not dating just to be chosen. We are learning how to choose wisely, honestly, with love, and let God lead the process. So grab your coffee, your notes app, or whatever you use when somebody is about to lovingly get in your business. Because, sis, we need to talk. Let's start with the part most of us would rather skip the mirror. Because sometimes the problem is not that he failed to communicate, sometimes he gave us the answer, and hope edited the transcript. Let me tell you about a relationship. I stayed in way too long, much longer than I should have. This man told me he was not ready for anything serious. Now that is not vague, that is not a riddle, there's no hidden Hebrew translation required. He said he was not ready for anything serious. But what I heard was, I never met a woman like you before, Lessa. Please stay here and prove that you are special enough to change my mind. That man did not say any of that. I added it. And I added it because there was chemistry. I saw his potential. I wanted the relationship to become something serious, and I did not want to start over. Starting over meant going back out there, meeting somebody new, learning another man's middle name, finding out whether he chewed with his mouth open, all the foolishness. I had already invested time in this one, so I told myself I should be patient. And he was consistent. I mean, he called me, he planned dates, he gave me attention. The attention kept my hope alive. But here is the distinction I could not see at the time. He was consistent in giving me attention. He was not consistent in moving the relationship forward. Those are not the same thing. A man can enjoy talking to you, he can like spending time with you, he can plan a nice dinner, laugh at your tire jokes, remember how you take your coffee and still have no intention in building a life with you. And that's painful, but it is possible. So I waited about gifts, I even paid for a few dates. None of those things automatically wrong. The issue was that I was investing relationship level time, energy, and money into somebody who had already told me that he was not offering me the relationship I wanted. I kept investing in him because I believed he might eventually choose me. Meanwhile, I was not choosing myself. And before we make this man a villain, let's reset the conversation. A man can enjoy you, he can call you, plan thoughtful dates, and genuinely care about you and still not want the same relationship you want. That may hurt, but it does not automatically make him dishonest. The danger begins when you use his attention to cancel the truth he already told you. We have been taught that a man's actions speak louder than his words. And yes, actions matter. Absolutely. But sometimes we use this advice to ignore words we do not like. But you say, then why did he take me to that nice restaurant? He says, I'm just enjoying the moment. But you say, then why did he text me good morning three days in a row? Sis, because he likes you. Liking you and choosing to build a committed relationship with you are not the same decision. Calling and planning dates may not contradict the words, I don't want anything serious. His actions may show that he wants companionship. They may show attraction, they may show that he enjoys having access to you. They do not automatically show that he wants marriage. So when his words and behavior seem confusing, do not write the most flattering explanation for him. Ask a follow-up question. I mean, you can ask, when you say you're not ready for anything serious, what kind of connection are you offering me? And then this is the most important part. Let him answer. Do not help him. Do not ask him. You mean you want to take it slowly because you have been hurt, but you are still open to marriage if the woman, right woman, comes along, right? No, ma'am. No, no. You just took the test for him and asked whether he would like to sign his name at the bottom. Ask the question and leave the room for him to answer. If he says, I'm just enjoying the moment, he is describing a casual connection. There is nothing inherently wrong with him wanting that. Not at all. But if you are intentionally dating toward marriage, what he is offering does not align with what you want. If he says, let's just see where this goes, he is undecided. That is information. Do not promote possibility into a promise. If he says, I want companionship, but I don't like labels, he is telling you that he wants relationship-like access without relationship responsibility. And if he says, I am intentionally dating toward marriage, but I need time to determine whether we are compatible, that may be aligned with what you want. He does not have to know on the first date that you will be his wife. That is not discernment. That is a lifetime with that's a lifetime movie with better lighting. But he should know whether marriage is the direction he is intentionally dating toward. And I need time cannot be a blank check. Time should produce increasing clarity and forward movement, not an indefinite audition. He is allowed time to discern you. He is not entitled to unlimited access to you while avoiding a decision. The question is not simply, does he enjoy dating me? The question is, is what he is offering aligned with what I am dating for? So Lessa. So you're probably asking yourself, Lessa, how do I tell whether the relationship is actually developing or whether you are just here repeating the same nice date in a different outfit? You stop measuring the relationship by activity and start looking for fruit, agreement, and forward progression. Matthew 7:16 says, by their fruit you will recognize them. Fruit is observable, potential lives mainly in your imagination. Fruit shows up in repeated choices, not isolated romantic gestures. It is easy to build a whole character profile from a few attractive facts. For instance, he goes to church, he has a Bible verse in his bio. He says faith is important to him. Okay, that is information. But how does his relationship with God affect the way he lives? How does he respond to correction? Does he honor boundaries? Does he practice self-control? Does he have wise people who can challenge him? Is he humble? Does he serve when nobody is clapping? Does he treat people who cannot do anything for him? In episode two, we talked about looking for proof. P-R-O-O-F. This is where you use it. Do not fill in spiritual character because a man has church attendance on his resume. Look for the fruit. The man I dated was heavily into church. I knew that because he told me, but I never saw that side of his life. I did not attend church with him. I did not see his faith community. I did not meet the people who knew him in that environment. I had information, but I did not have proof. And this is where I had to confront something very uncomfortable. We were going places, but we were not going anywhere. We went on dates. We talked. The routine continued. But the relationship did not deepen. I never met his family. I met one friend. I never met his daughter. And he told me he was not ready to introduce me to her or to his family. Now let me let me make this very clear. He had already said he was not ready for a serious relationship. I remained separate from most of his life. And over time, there was no meaningful movement toward commitment or integration. We were repeating dates, not building a relationship. Motion is not always movement. Healthy progression does not mean you need a joint checking account by Thursday. It means over time you should see increasing clarity, integration, and intention. Maybe he begins introducing you to appropriate people who matter to him. Your conversations deepen around faith, family, purpose, values, and the future. He plans beyond the next weekend. He considers your schedule and your needs. You might discuss exclusivity. You define the relationship. When concerns come up, the two of you address them instead of keeping everything comfortably vague. His words, actions, and direction began telling the same story. But when this relationship did not grow, I did not immediately question whether the relationship was right for me. I questioned whether I was good enough for the relationship. And that is where discernment turned into an audition. When he said he was not ready to introduce me to his daughter or his family, I didn't simply receive that as information. I treated it like I was on a job and I received a performance review. I felt I needed to work harder, be nicer, be more agreeable, ask for less, make him feel so comfortable with me that he would finally decide I deserved a place in his life. Sis, you cannot nice girl your way into a man's readiness. I remember sitting at dinner with him one evening, and we were discussing church and whether a pastor should have a full-time job while he is shepherding, you know, the flock. And I remember distinctly, I disagree with his viewpoint. And instead of expressing what I really thought and having a respectful discussion, I nodded my head like I agreed. That seems like such a small thing, doesn't it? Just a head nod. But I was so focused on being chosen that I stopped showing him the woman he would actually be choosing. I was shrinking my convictions to fit inside a relationship that was not growing. I did not lose myself all at once. I lost myself one agreeable little head nod at a time. And by hiding what I really thought, I lost valuable information. Dating is not about proving that the two of you will agree on everything because you will not. Instead, I performed compatibility. And at one point, I even begged this man to give me another chance. Me! That was so far outside of my character. But I had become so emotionally invested in being chosen that I was willing to abandon myself to keep access to him. Listen to me carefully. When you start managing your personality so a man will not leave, you are no longer discerning him, you are auditioning for him. And a relationship that can only survive when you remain silent is not strong enough to become a healthy marriage. Let's pause right here. Because it is easy to recognize my little head nod and miss the ways you may be doing the same thing. Put down whatever else you are doing, unless you're driving. Please keep them hands on the wheel, 10 and 2. And answer this honestly. It's time for the purpose pause. Who are you pretending to agree? Pretending not to care, or pretending not to need clarity because you are afraid honesty might make him leave. Are you lowering a boundary? Are you laughing at something that actually bothers you? Are you pretending casual is enough because you hope commitment is coming later? Are you avoiding the conversation because the uncertainty feels safer than an answer that you may not like? Here is the second question. Are you learning who he is? Or are you trying to become whoever you think he will choose? You should never have to make yourself smaller to make someone choose you, especially when he gave you the answer to the test on day one. The test was never whether I could convince that man to choose me. The test was whether I would believe the evidence and choose wisely. Alright, it's homework time. Yes. Purpose practice. Get your journal, open it up, or your notes app or sheet of paper, whatever it is you like to practice with. And create three columns. Label the first column what he said, the second column what he did, and the third column what I added. In the first column, write his actual words without upgrading, softening, or summarizing them into something more comfortable. If he said, I'm not ready for a relationship, do not write, he needs a little time. Write what he said. In the second column, record his observable repeated behavior. Observable. Not one great grand gesture or that one emotional conversation or the one weekend when everything felt perfect. What is the pattern? In the third column, write every assumption, explanation, prediction, and hoped-for meaning you attached to those words and actions. That third column is where chemistry, potential, fear of starting over, and your desire for marriage may be writing a story that the evidence has not confirmed. If I had completed this exercise during that relationship, mine probably would look a little like this. Column one, what he said, I'm not ready for anything serious. Column two, what he did, he called consistently and planned dates. Second example, what he said. He kept me separate from most of his life. What I added, if I am nicer or try harder, he will eventually let me in. What he said, church was an important part of his life. What he did, I never saw that part of his life. What I added, church involvement must mean he has the character I am looking for. What he offered, attention without commitment. What he did, he repeated the same dating routine. What I added. Because we keep dating, the relationship must be progressing. That last column would have told on me. After you complete your columns, review the first two using proof. P-R-O-O-F. Again, episode two. Where do his words and patterns agree? Where do they conflict? What remains genuinely unclear? Then ask yourself whether his present offer aligns with what you are dating for. From there, determine what the evidence requires. Maybe you need clarifying conversation. Maybe you need more observation within a reasonable period of time. Or maybe you need to set a boundary. Maybe you need to politely. Exit stage left. Do the exercise before the conversation so you enter seeking clarity, not trying to coach him into giving you the answer you want. And if you complete this exercise and realize you have spent months or even years investing in a man who was never offering what you wanted, please do not use this episode as another weapon against yourself. We are going to tell the truth, but we are also going to leave room for grace. Ecclesiastics 3 verse 1 tells us that there is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven. God's timing is not our timing. You may wish you had recognized the truth sooner. You may be thinking about the time, the money, the gifts, the dates, or emotional energy you invested. You may feel embarrassed because what seems obvious today was not obvious to you while you were attached and hopeful. But shame will not give you time back. So do not spend another season punishing yourself for what the previous season has taught you. Let the experience show you where you are now, what you need to do, and what you will no longer accept. You did not miss your only opportunity for love. You learn how expensive it can be to ignore the truth. And now you know how to recognize it even sooner. Give yourself grace. Take the lesson, move forward wiser. The experience does not have to remain wasted if you stop repeating the pattern. And please remember this: you do not have to become smaller, quieter, easier, or more convenient to earn healthy love. The man who is truly evaluating whether he can build a life with you needs to meet the real woman, not the agreeable character you created because you were afraid he might leave. So this week, no rewriting, no auditioning, and no privately promoting a man from somebody I am dating to future husband without evidence. Open your notes app, draw those three columns and tell yourself the truth with compassion. If this episode made you think of a woman who was waiting for a man to become ready, send it to her with love. Don't add this is for you in all caps. Let the Holy Spirit handle his department. And if you saw yourself in this conversation, remember clarity is not rejection. Clarity is protection. It gives you the information you need to make a wiser decision before chemistry, hope, and potential spend another year filling in the blanks. If this conversation helped you, follow dating with purpose and leave a review. It helps more marriage-minded women find this community and learn how to date with wisdom, confidence, and faith. Until next time, keep your heart open, keep your standards grounded, and keep your eyes on the fruit. And as always, ask yourself what would dating with purpose look like for you this week? I'll talk to you next time, fam.