Sis, I Was Out Here Financing Hope

Hey Fam,

A man once told me, plainly, that he was not ready for anything serious.

Not vague. Not a riddle. No hidden Hebrew translation required.

And what did I hear? "Lessa, I've never met a woman like you. Please stay and prove you're special enough to change my mind."

That man did not say any of that. I added it. 🙃

I added it because there was chemistry, because I saw his potential, and because I really did not want to start over. Starting over meant learning another man's middle name and finding out whether he chews with his mouth open. All the foolishness. So I stayed. I waited. I bought gifts. I even paid for a few dates. Sis, I was out here financing hope.

And the thing that kept that hope alive? He was consistent. He called, he planned dates, he gave me attention. Which is exactly what I couldn't see clearly at the time:

He was consistent with attention. He was not consistent with moving the relationship forward.

Those are not the same thing. A man can enjoy you, remember how you take your coffee, laugh at your tired jokes, and still have no intention of building a life with you. That doesn't automatically make him a villain. It just means his attention can't cancel out the truth he already told you.

So how do you get the truth without rewriting it? You ask a real follow-up question: "When you say you're not ready for anything serious, what kind of connection are you offering me?" And then, this is the hard part, you let him answer. Don't help him. Don't say, "You mean you're taking it slow because you've been hurt, but you're open to marriage if the right woman comes along, right?" Ma'am. You just took the test for him and asked him to sign his name at the bottom.

Once he does answer, listen to what he's actually telling you:

• "I'm just enjoying the moment" means casual.

• "Let's see where it goes" means undecided. Don't promote possibility into a promise.

• "I want companionship but I don't like labels" means relationship access without relationship responsibility.

• "I'm dating toward marriage, but I need time to know if we're compatible" may actually line up with what you want.

That last one deserves a note, though, because time is allowed, but time can't be a blank check. It should bring more clarity and more forward movement, not an indefinite audition. Which is why I stopped measuring relationships by activity and started looking for fruit (Matthew 7:16). Fruit shows up in repeated choices. Potential mostly lives in your imagination.

When I looked for fruit in that relationship, I had to be honest. I never met his family. I met one friend. He said church was a big part of his life, but I never saw it. We were going places, but we weren't going anywhere. Motion is not always movement.

And here's the part that stung most. When the relationship didn't grow, I didn't question whether it was right for me. I questioned whether I was good enough for it. Discernment turned into an audition. I got nicer, quieter, more agreeable. One night at dinner I disagreed with him about something that mattered to me, and I just nodded like I agreed.

I didn't lose myself all at once. I lost myself one agreeable little head nod at a time.

That's exactly why I want you to do this week's homework before you have any big conversation.

Your homework: open your notes app and make three columns. What he said. What he did. What I added. Write his actual words, his repeated patterns, and every assumption you've attached. Then run the first two through PROOF from Episode 2 and decide what the evidence calls for: a clarifying conversation, more time to observe, a boundary, or a polite exit stage left.

Fair warning: that third column might tell on you. Mine would have.

👉 Listen to Episode 3 now

And if your columns show you've spent months (or years) investing in a man who was never offering what you wanted, please don't turn this into another weapon against yourself. There's a season for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1). Shame won't give you that time back, but the lesson can keep you from repeating it. You don't have to become smaller, quieter, or more convenient to earn healthy love. 💛

Hit reply and tell me: what did you find in your "What I added" column? I read every one.

Date with purpose, and build the marriage God is calling you to.

XO, 

Lessa

P.S. Know a Sista who's waiting on a man to become ready? Forward her this with love. Just skip the "THIS IS FOR YOU" in all caps. Let the Holy Spirit handle His department.

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