He Says He's a Christian, But How Do You Know?

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Girl, I met somebody. Okay, tell me about him. He's fine, he's funny, he has a good job, and he's a Christian. Okay, how do you know? Well, he told me. Fam, that wasn't my question. Pause. What has this man actually done that demonstrates to you that he has a relationship with God? He goes to church. Great. He prays before dinner? Wonderful. He sends you Bible verses? Love that for you. But none of those things alone tell you whether his faith actually governs the way he lives. Don't just listen to what he says about his relationship with God. Observe his relationship with God. Because if you're considering this man for marriage, you need more than a declaration. You need evidence. Here's what may be happening in your dating life. You may be listening to what a man tells you about himself instead of paying attention to what his life consistently demonstrates. He says, I'm a Christian. You accept it. He says, I'm a leader. You accept it. He says, I'm good with money. You accept it. I'm ready for marriage. You accept it. But fam, how much of what you believe about this man came from him describing himself? And how much have you actually observed? Because everybody tends to tell their story from their best angle. That doesn't necessarily mean he's lying. He may genuinely believe he's patient. He may genuinely believe he's financially responsible, that he handles conflict well. But marriage isn't about who somebody believes they are. Ask yourself, do I know this about him because he told me or because I observed it? Modern dating advice sometimes makes women believe they can ask enough questions to figure out whether a man is the one. Ask about marriage, kids, money, faith, politics, family, conflict, love languages, attachment styles, his five-year plan, his childhood, his credit score. Whew. By day four, this pole man is completely in a behavioral interview. But here's what I learned personally. A man can answer every question correctly and still not be ready for marriage. I've experienced that. Someone can know exactly what the right answers are. What questions cannot always reveal is how does he actually respond when he's angry? What happens when the money gets tight? How does he react when someone tells him no? What happens when you disagree with him? How does he treat someone who has hurt him? Can he receive correction? You cannot question your way into certainty about someone's character. You have to ask, listen, observe, give it time, pray, discern. And before you go any further, let's reset another expectation. We are not looking for a perfect Christian man. Let me repeat that again. We are not looking for a perfect Christian man. He will struggle. So will you. The question is, what does he do with the struggle? We're not looking for perfection, we're looking for direction. Here's what scripture, wisdom, research, and experience tells us. This is where I come in with my framework. Proof. P-R-O-O-F. Proof is not an interrogation tool. It's not a scorecard. It's a lens for discernment. P for patterns. And Galatians 5, 22 through 23 gives us the fruit of spirit. Love, joy, peace, kindness, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. And I highly recommend you guys memorize that verse. Fam, we're not doing love check, faithfulness check, kindness check, self-control. I mean, eight out of nine, that's a 89%. He passed. No. We are looking at his life over time. Does his life increasingly show evidence of the fruit of the spirit? Does he demonstrate love when love requires sacrifice? Can he have peace when circumstances aren't ideal? Does he show patience when people inconvenience him? Does he demonstrate kindness towards people who can do nothing for him? Is he faithful? Gentle? Does he demonstrate self-control? Not perfectly, consistently enough that you can see growth. And turn that same lens around. Before you start inspecting his fruit, how is yours looking? R Response. People reveal a lot about themselves during difficult seasons. So don't only observe this man when he's happy, paid, rested, getting everything he wants, and trying to impress you. What you need to do is watch when he's angry, disappointed, financially stressed, tired, corrected, tempted, inconvenienced, or even told no. Can he receive correction? Suppose you say, the way you spoke to me, bae, it really hurt my feelings. Does he immediately respond, well, you, or can he listen, reflect, own his part, apologize, change? A healthy leader should be teachable. Don't just ask whether he's a leader, ask whether he's a teachable leader. Because a man who cannot receive correction cannot grow. And if the leader can't grow, eventually the marriage becomes stunted. Oh, others. Of course, watch how he treats servers, cashiers, family, friends, co-workers, children, people who cannot benefit him. But I want you to go a step further, go even deeper. Watch how he treats people after he believes they have wronged him. Listen to how he talks about his ex. Has every woman he's dated somehow been crazy, jealous, toxic, or the problem? And somehow this man has never contributed to anything going wrong. Can he say, she hurt me? But here's what I learned. Can he acknowledge his own mistakes? Can he talk about someone who hurt him without degrading them? Can he move forward without living in bitterness? Don't only watch how a man treats people he loves. Watch how he treats people after he believes they've wronged him. Because eventually, you too will disappoint him. Oh, order. He says, God comes first. Okay. What happens when what he wants conflicts with what he says he believes? Look at areas like money, sex, anger, ego, temptation, accountability, money. Let's look at that. Don't only ask how much does he make. Ask how does he manage what he makes? A six-figure salary does not automatically equal financial maturity. Look at his debt, spending, saving, giving, budgeting, financial transparency, his ability to delay gratification. He wants those sneakers, great. But if he doesn't have the cash, does he buy them anyway? Because I want it and we can't afford it are not the same sentence. Marriage eventually brings mortgage payments, back to school shopping, job loss, unexpected repairs, children, one income seasons, and can he remain responsible when there isn't? A man's salary tells you what he earns, his stewardship tells you how he handles what he has. All right, let's talk about self-control. If you establish a boundary and he consistently pushes it, that's information. Does he respect your no? Does he constantly negotiate the boundary? Does he expect you to be responsible for stopping the both of you? Fam, this is a two-way street. You can't say we're waiting until marriage and then spend the night in the bed under the covers at midnight and then wonder why temptation showed up. Both people are responsible for their own self-control. And together you can create an environment that makes honoring God easier rather than harder. Ask yourself, does being with this person make it easier or harder for both of you to honor God? Ooh, accountability. When I was dating my husband, he had like-minded Christian men he would seek counsel from. Younger Lussa was thinking, why are your friends in our business? Now I understand it differently. He had wise men who could speak truth into his life. That doesn't mean his boys get a vote in our marriage. But what I don't want my husband to believe is that he has to know everything. I don't need my husband to have all the answers. I need him to have enough wisdom to know when he needs to seek counsel. F future. He does not need his entire life figured out, but he should have direction, especially about marriage. If you know you want marriage, and he says, I don't really know if I ever want to get married. Sis, listen, you do not need to spend three years trying to convince him to want the future you already know you want. Two good Christian people can still be wrong for each other. He wants a stay-at-home wife. You want children, and to continue advancing professionally. Neither person is automatically wrong, but that's important. He believes his purpose involves long-term mission work overseas. You believe yours involves remaining close home and serving locally. Again, good man, good woman, potentially incompatible futures. Compatibility isn't only whether you enjoy doing life together today, it's whether your lives you're trying to build can coexist tomorrow. Your purposes don't need to look identical. They need to be able to complement one another. Here's a four seasons principle. Proof P-R-O-O-F needs time. None of this works if you rush the process. My personal recommendation is to give yourself at least 12 months before marriage. That's not a biblical command. It's not a magic number. It's my recommendation because a lot of life can happen in one year. You potentially see holidays, birthdays, family, friends, financial decisions, job stress, conflict, disappointment, good seasons, bad seasons. And ordinary Tuesday nights when neither of you feels particularly romantic. Time gives character opportunities to reveal itself. And questions tell you what a man believes about himself. Time and observation show you who he is actually. Alright, now it is the purpose pause. Pause the episode if you need to, because I need you to answer these questions. Think about the person you're dating or the last serious relationship you were in. Ask yourself, how much of what I believe about this man's character came from what he told me? And then ask yourself, what have I actually observed? Again, pause if you need to and think about those questions. Can you give me real examples of his relationship with God, his self-control, how he responds to correction, how he manages disappointment, how he treats people who cannot benefit him, how he handles money, who he seeks counsel from, how he resolves conflict, his direction for his future. Don't tell me what he says he does. What have you seen? And then ask yourself am I praying for discernment or asking God to confirm a decision I've already made? I need you to pause and sit with that one. Now you know your girl has homework for you. Yes. We have to practice what we learn. Okay, here is your assignment for the week. This week, complete your proof P-R-O-O-F audit. Write down P for patterns. What consistent patterns have I actually observed? R for response. Have I seen him respond when he was angry, disappointed, tempted, stressed? O for others? How does he treat his family, friends, strangers, children, exes? O for order. What appears to govern his choices? Look at faith, money, self-control, anger, ego, F for future. What does he want his life to look like? Marriage? Children? Faith? Family roles? And does that future complement the life you're trying to build? Then I want you to create two columns. First column, what I know because he told me. And the second column, what I know because I observed it. Don't drudge your answers yet. Just write it down. Notice. Where do you see the gaps? Now, this is important. Turn proof around and evaluate yourself. Because we're not looking for perfect men while we refuse to grow ourselves. Ask yourself: do I exude the characteristics I'm praying my future husband has? Sis. This isn't about becoming suspicious of every man who approaches you. This isn't, girl, catch him slipping. No. This is about slowing down enough to make a wise decision. You are not trying to find a flawless man. You are looking for someone whose life shows evidence of growth, faith, character, wisdom, accountability, and direction. And sometimes you will meet a genuinely good man who isn't your man. And that's okay. You don't have to make him a villain before you walk away. You're building a life with this person, not a knight. So give yourself permission to take time. Give yourself permission to observe, pray, to seek wise counsel. And please give yourself permission to listen when the evidence doesn't match what you hoped would be true. And if he comes three weeks into the relationship saying, God told me you're my wife, you can lovingly say with a smile, I'm glad God spoke to you. He hasn't spoken to me yet. His confidence doesn't replace your discernment. God gave you wisdom to sis. Use it. Fam, don't just listen to what he says about his relationship with God. Observe it. Watch his patterns. Watch his response. Watch how he treats others. Watch what orders his life. And pay attention to whether his future aligns with yours. We're not looking for perfection. We're looking for direction. And remember questions tell you what a man believes about himself. Time and observation show you who he actually is. Then what would dating with purpose look like for you this week?