Sis, That wasn't My Question
Hey Fam,
Picture this conversation. Maybe you've had it. Maybe you've been it.
"Girl, I met somebody. He's fine, he's funny, he has a good job, and he's a Christian."
"Okay. How do you know?"
"Well… he told me."
Fam, that wasn't my question. 🙃
And before you come for me, I'm not saying church, praying before dinner, and good-morning Bible verses don't matter. They do. They just can't tell you, on their own, whether his faith actually shapes how he lives. That takes something he can't simply tell you. It takes evidence.
Now here's where a lot of us overcorrect. We figure that if we ask enough questions, we'll get to the truth. Marriage, kids, money, faith, love languages, attachment style, his 5-year plan, his credit score. Whew. By date 4, this poor man is in a full behavioral interview.
But I learned this one personally: a man can answer every question correctly and still not be ready for marriage. Some people know exactly what the right answers are. What questions can't show you is how he acts when he's angry, when money gets tight, or when you tell him no.
So if questions only get you so far, what do you do instead? You observe. That's why I built a framework I call PROOF. It's not an interrogation tool or a scorecard. It's a lens:
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P — Patterns: Over time, is the fruit of the Spirit growing in his life? (Galatians 5:22–23 — memorize it, sis.)
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R — Response: Who is he when he's tired, stressed, corrected, or told no? Can he hear "that hurt me" and actually apologize and change?
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O — Others: How does he treat the server, the cashier, the kids, and the ex he says hurt him? One day you'll disappoint him too.
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O — Order: When what he wants runs into what he says he believes about money, sex, anger, or ego, which one wins? And does he have wise men speaking truth into his life?
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F — Future: Where is his life headed, and can it sit alongside the life you're building?
Here's the part people skip, though: PROOF needs time. I recommend giving it at least 12 months before marriage. That's not a Bible verse, and it's not a magic number. A year just gives you holidays, family, job stress, conflict, and plenty of ordinary Tuesday nights when neither of you feels romantic. That's when character shows up.
And while you're watching him, turn the lens around too. We're not looking for perfect men while we refuse to grow ourselves. We're not looking for perfection, fam. We're looking for direction, in him and in us. 💛
That brings me to your homework.
Your homework this week: do your PROOF audit. Write down what you've seen for each letter. Then make two columns: what I know because he told me and what I know because I saw it. Don't judge your answers yet. Just notice the gaps. Then run PROOF on yourself.
One more thing before you go. If he tells you three weeks in, "God told me you're my wife," you're allowed to smile and say, "I'm glad God spoke to you. He hasn't spoken to me yet." His confidence doesn't replace your discernment.
Hit reply and tell me: which letter of PROOF have you been skipping? I read every one.
Date with purpose, and build the marriage God is calling you to.
XO,
Lessa
P.S. Know a sista who just met someone "fine, funny, and a Christian"? Forward her this. She doesn't need to walk away. She just needs to watch.
Stay connected, Fam:
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Listen to the podcast: https://www.lessadavis.com/
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Watch on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCBRbMgJFL5YvzIToplDbtgg
