Are You Dating for a Good Time or a Good Husband?

Reevaluating dating priorities

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I am tired of dating losers. When am I ever going to find the one? Is something wrong with me? God, please send me my person. I don't want to be an old lady with no one. Sis. Maybe you've had this conversation with God. Maybe you've had it in the car, in the shower, lying in bed at night, or sitting on your couch scrolling through another dating app thinking, what is happening out here? Because you've built a life, you're successful. You've got the career. Maybe you've got your own condo. You go to church. You got girlfriends. You volunteer. You are not sitting around waiting for life to start. You've built one. And yet marriage hasn't happened. And after enough disappointing dates, you start wondering: am I too picky? Are my standards too high? Am I asking for too much? Is something wrong with me? Sis, if you've ever had these thoughts, I need you to know something before we go any further. I understand because I have been her. Here's what may be happening in your dating life. You may be trying to solve dating the same way you've solved everything else in your life. You worked hard, you got educated, built your career, handled your business. You learn that if you work harder, make better decisions, set higher goals, push yourself, you usually get better results. So when marriage hasn't happened, your mind starts going, okay, what am I doing wrong? Or worse, what is wrong with me? But there's another possibility. Maybe you're not asking for too much. Maybe you've been placing too much importance on the wrong things. Maybe your checklist is full of things that make a man attractive to date, but not enough things that tell you whether he's capable of helping you build a healthy marriage. Okay, sis. What is at the top of your list? You know the list I'm talking about. Is it height, income, career, house, car, looks, swagger, no children, facial hair, chemistry. There is nothing wrong with preferences, but you need to ask yourself how much of my husband checklist describes the experience I want while dating him? And how much describes the character I'll need when I'm married to him? Here's what the culture, or perhaps you may have gotten wrong. Fam, I had a type. Because I thought I am going to be bored. I wanted somebody smart, but I also wanted swag. And when I met a man who fit exactly what I thought I wanted, it is story time. Let me tell you about the smooth as butter club man, sis. This man was smooth. He had brown skin as if the sun had just personally touched him and said, I'm gonna take my time with this one. He was fine. Has swagger said all the right things. Beautiful townhouse, beautiful car, appeared to have money. He made me feel seen. And let me tell you how smooth he was. I was at a club dancing. He came, started talking to me, dancing, having a good time, and it's time to leave. You know, they shut the lights on. Hey, everybody gotta go. This man pulled out his cell phone and threw it in my purse. He put the phone in my purse so he would have to see me again the very next day so he could collect his phone. Pause. Tell me that ain't smooth. I mean smooth like butter, smooth as Tennessee whiskey. I was gone.

Understanding relationship priorities

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And you know what I didn't know? I did not know how he actually made his money. And fam, quite frankly, I didn't care. That should have mattered to me. But I was paying attention to was I attracted to him? Did he have swagger? Did he seem successful? Did he make me feel good? Was this exciting? And what I wasn't asking was, is this the man someone I can build a God-fearing, legal, safe, and lasting life with? Sometimes chemistry will have you interviewing a man for the position of a husband, using the job description of a boyfriend. That's the reset. The goal is not to stop being attracted to men. The goal is to stop allowing attraction to answer questions it was never designed to answer. Here's what scripture, wisdom, research, and experience tell us. We need to separate two things preferences and marriage qualifications. Preferences matter, don't get me wrong. You should like him, you should enjoy him, you should be attracted to him, you should laugh together. But preferences and qualifications should not have equal weight. All right, preference. How much does he make? Maybe you want a man earning six figures. Okay. But before you ask, how much does he make? Ask, how does he manage what he makes? Because salary tells you one thing, stewardship tells you something completely different. Can he manage money? Delay gratification. Can he plan? Can he save? Can he handle financial pressure? Because marriage has seasons. Seasons where money may get tight. You may live paycheck to paycheck. One income may disappear. Expenses may hit all at once. A man's income may impress you while you're dating. His financial character affects when you're married. Okay, preference number two. Is he a leader? A lot of women say, I want a leader. Okay. But what does that actually mean? What does that actually look like? Being assertive isn't necessarily leadership. Making decisions isn't necessarily healthy leadership. Being dominant isn't necessarily leadership. The question is, does his leadership style make me trust being led by him? Before you ask whether this man can lead you, ask whether he can be led by God. Another preference. Sometimes, he's nice, he has a good job. Those may be good signs, but you are looking for more than Christian affiliation. You are looking for a man with an established relationship with God, someone who prays, seeks God, accepts godly counsel, can submit to God, wants accountability, prays for himself, you, and the family he hopes to build. A boyfriend can go to church. A husband needs a relationship with God. Let me tell you, meeting my husband challenged my type. He wasn't as tall as what I normally dated. He was fair skinned instead of my usual type, but those dimples, that nose, perfect little nose, the humor. And then he started doing things that felt strange to me. He prayed with me. And fam, I thought that was weird. He sought counsel from other Christian men. No, I mean me. I was like, why are your friends in our business? Why do they get a say? I didn't understand accountability at the time. He made decisions with me and mind. And over time, I started seeing qualities that matter far more in marriage than I ever understood while dating.

Evaluating a partner's true character

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What really matters when life gets real is can he pivot? When the plan falls apart, can he problem solve? Or does he shut down? Does he blame and run? Or adjust? Marriage gets messy and adaptability matters. Can he trust God under pressure? It's easy to say, God is good. And all the time, y'all know the saying, God is good. It's easy to say that when everything is good. But what does his faith look like when money is tight? When things don't make sense, when you're living paycheck to paycheck, what kind of father will he model? If you want children, you're not simply choosing your husband. You are potentially choosing the man your children will watch to learn. To learn how a man loves God, to learn how a husband treats his wife, to learn how a father handles adversity, how a man makes decisions, how a man leads. For me, seeing my daughters watch their father model what a God-fearing man looks like became so much more important than I ever understood while I was dating. You need to know can this man make hard decisions? Sometimes the right decision will be unpopular. Friends disagree, family always has an opinion and they disagree sometimes. Even you disagree. Can he listen to counsel, seek out God, make a decision, and accept responsibility for it? That is completely different from swagger. Let's be clear. I am not in no way, shape, or form telling you to lower your standards. What I'm asking you to do is to identify them correctly. Tall, that's a preference. Facial hair, preference. Nice car, preference. Swagger, baby, that is preference. Own a home? Could be a preference. No children. Could be a compatibility preference. Loves his mama? Great. But does that grown man have a healthy boundary with his mama? Now that's discernment. Have you promoted preferences into non-negotiables while demoting character to nice have? And the problem may not be that your standards are too high. The question is whether you're measuring the right things. Instead of how much money does he make, ask how does he steward what he has? Instead of does he go to church? Ask, does he have a relationship with God? A relationship that governs how he lives. Instead of is he a leader? Ask, what kind of leader is he? Instead of, is he successful? Ask, what does he become when life isn't going well? Instead of does he make me happy? Ask, can we build something healthy together? Because future husband can add tremendous joy to your life, but he was never designed to carry responsibility for your entire happiness. Okay, here's a segment in the podcast. We call it the purpose pause.

Evaluating your husband checklist

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We stop listening and we answer questions during this segment. Fam, I want you to stop for a minute and think about your current husband checklist. Or if you're dating someone right now, think about the man you're dating. Yes, I know you got a checklist. You know what checklist I'm talking about. Now ask yourself, what are the top five things I've been using to decide whether a man is husband material? Be honest. Look at those five. How many are character and how many are preferences? Then ask yourself if I removed his salary height, car, career title, looks, and swagger, what would be left that makes me believe this man could help build a healthy marriage? Now, this is a pause moment, so I need you to go ahead and hit pause on this podcast. And I'm gonna ask the question again before you hit that pause button. If I removed his salary, height, car, career title, looks, and swagger, what would be left that makes me believe this man could help build a healthy marriage? I'll wait. Okay, so we're back. Now we're gonna take another pause because I need to turn the question around. If he removed my career, my looks, my education, my income, home, and accomplishments, what character would he be choosing in me? Okay, pause. Answer that question. Okay, here's your assignment for the week. Yeah, we got homework because how else are we going to practice these principles? Yes, it's never too late to learn stuff, it's never too late to have homework and apply. So here we go. The assignment for the week. Get out your husband checklist. You know, the one that you try to pretend you don't have. Yes, the real one. Now create two columns. You're gonna have non-negotiables in column one, and in column two, you're gonna have preferences. Go through every requirement. For each one, ask yourself Does this directly affect our ability to build a healthy marriage? Or does this primarily affect how attractive or impressive I find him? Then make your non-negotiables behavioral. So for example, don't write Christian. I need you to write he has an active relationship with God that I can observe. Another example, don't write leader. Write what healthy leadership means to you. Don't write good with money. Define what financial stewardship looks

Self-reflection before marriage

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like. Don't write a good man. I need you to define the character you're actually looking for. Then ask yourself, would I meet the standards on my own list? Because while you're praying for God to prepare your husband, are you allowing God to prepare you? Look at your faith, your finances, your emotional maturity, your unresolved hurt, your communication, your self-control, your ability to receive correction, your purpose. Do you exude the characteristics you're praying your future husband has? Here is why the work that you're doing matters. You're not failing because you haven't gotten married yet. And I'm also not going to sit here every week and tell you you're perfect. It's all of these men. That's not what we're doing. We're becoming wiser. We're healing, we're growing, we're learning how to discern. We're developing our relationship with God. And we're learning to recognize what healthy love actually looks like. Maybe you've been praying, God, please send me my person. Keep praying. But while you're waiting, I need you to prepare, to heal, to grow, deepen your relationship with God, know your purpose, date intentionally. And

Finding love outside your comfort zone

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yes, sometimes you're going to have to leave the house. You'd be surprised who will talk to you at the grocery store with your basket, yoga pants, and a smile. Waiting on God does not mean putting your life on pause. And it definitely doesn't mean repeatedly choosing the same type of man and praying for a different result. You don't have to become perfect before you're worthy of marriage, but you can become wiser about whom you choose. And sometimes a man who is good for you may not look exactly like the man you imagined. Because I learned something important. The things I once thought were weird, prayer, accountability, seeking counsel, thinking beyond himself. Those became some of the things I valued most and my husband. Sometimes healthy feels unfamiliar when you've been accustomed to something different. That does not mean unfamiliar automatically equals healthy. It means give yourself enough wisdom, time, and discernment to figure out the difference. You're not dating simply because you're lonely. You're not dating to prove you can get a man. You're not dating just because everybody else is getting married. And you're certainly not dating just to collect butterflies. You're dating to discern whether this man is a man worth building a healthy, God-centered life with. So enjoy the chemistry, enjoy the dimples, enjoy the perfect little nose, enjoy the swagger if he's got a little bit of it. But don't let any of those things keep you from asking, can I actually build with this man? Because the goal isn't simply finding a man who dates exciting. The goal is learning how to recognize the man who has the character to help you build a marriage that lasts. And fam, what would dating with purpose look like for you this week?